He looks so small lying there. I know that's stupid; he towers over most of us. Yet, lying as he is, he does look small, weak, feeble, everything that Brennan's not supposed to be. He's supposed to smile, crack jokes, stride round like he owns the world. Not lie like this; trembling with pain, moaning as his body is destroyed from the inside out. It's not supposed to end like this, end with a whimper not a bang. I won't let it happen, not this way, not now, not now that I care so much.
It didn't take me long to discover that I liked the look of Brennan Mulwray, come on who wouldn't? Those beautiful brown eyes, hair that I longed to slip my fingers through, a powerful man who attracted attention wherever he went. Physically he was perfect for me-- and within days -- as I got to know this deep individual who hid behind a smoke screen of bravado, I knew that he was someone special.
When I gave him his comm. ring, I really did want a hug, Emma and Shalimar hugged, why couldn't we? I think he knew that as well, he looked at me with this amused expression, just daring me to go and do it. I was tempted I tell you, if it wasn't for the others looking at us I would have pulled him in my arms without a thought.
I thought it was the start of something special. God what am I saying? I *think* it's the start of something special. Brennan's not going to die, not like this, not today. I'm not going to let that happen. I've just seen Emma leave him, when she saw me she came over and stood next to me, putting her hand on my arm. It's meant to comfort, and it did, a little.
She smiled at me, a sad smile that didn't reach her eyes. She knows how I feel --she has to-- there's no way I can hold my feelings in check when I'm round her. She knows that I'm starting to fall in love with Brennan, knows that he makes me happy, even if we are just friends right now. I guess she also knows that my heart feels like it's gonna break into a million pieces when I think of him dying.
Fixing me with that intense stare that she has, she told me to go to him, come here. That he was awake and scared, he needed me, I don't want to think of the underlying message. See him before it's too late, but I know it's there. Understand that this might be the last time I could see Brennan awake and talking, I didn't want to come in. Can you understand that? I was scared, still am scared, but I'm going to do it.
When Adam told me that Brennan could die, it felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I'd thought that his powers had been neutralised for a while, that's all. I feel so guilty. If I'd taken more care, stayed behind with Brennan, maybe he wouldn't have been hit. Adam tells me not to be guilty, he might as well tell me to stop breathing. The guilt will go when Brennan's well again, and not a second before.
I love Brennan, and after this I'm gonna see Adam and tell him I'm going for the pushka, whatever he thinks, he can't stop me, not now, there's too much at stake. Now all I have to do is see Brennan then get out of here. It's not a good-bye, I'm not gonna think like that. I'll get that fucking gun, and he'll be fine. He has to be, because if he isn't...I just don't know what I'll do.
Jesse felt like he couldn't move as he stood looking at Brennan. His feet seemed to be welded to the floor, yet he also felt deep in shock. It was so much worse than he'd thought; in the last hour Brennan had begun to worsen at a shocking pace. The elemental was writhing in pain; forcing back cries of agony, sweat coating his body.
"Jesse...is that you?"
"Yeah, came to see how you're doing."
"I'm fine, just give me a chance to fight this thing and I'll be back out there."
Listening to the words, Jesse wished with all his heart that he could believe what Brennan was saying. But he didn't, he knew that they were only a bluff to hide the pain that Brennan was suffering, an attempt to hide the need for help, the need for someone to ease the pain.
The feeling of inability to ease that pain tore through Jesse like a knife. He wanted to tell Brennan everything would be fine, that yeah he would be up and about soon -- but couldn't. How could he lie like that, knowing that death was lurking, hovering like a black cloud as Brennan's DNA was ripped apart?
"I'm gonna go and get that gun Bren. Adam calls it the pushka, it's apparently a device to identify and neutralise new mutants."
"Yeah? Well it's doing a good job of neutralising me Jesse. I don't know how long I can hold on."
The defeated tone was immediately followed by whimpers of pain as another spasm ripped through Brennan's body. Seeing his body arch, Jesse practically ran forward, grabbing Brennan's hand as it clawed against the chair arm.
"It's okay Bren, I'm here, I've got you." Holding Brennan's hand firmly, Jesse pressed as close as he could get, stroking back the sweat soaked hair from Brennan's forehead as he panted through the pain. "I'm gonna get that gun, I promise you that, and when you're well we're gonna go out, just you and me. We've been skirting this thing for long enough. So don't you dare give up on me now, you hear me?"
"I hear you...and I'm gonna hold you to that date."
"Great. So once you're well it's McDonalds for two followed by a movie."
"Don't think so man. You can get some of that money spent and take me somewhere expensive."
"Expensive eh? So what does Brennan Mulwray class as expensive? The Ivy, could get us a table there, or maybe the country club, we could dine with the jet set, order sushi and caviar."
"Hell Jess, my guts feel like mush anyway without bringing stuff like that up. I think we'll stick to the movie okay."
Jesse laughed as he saw the expression of disgust on Brennan's face. He was pleased that he'd managed to distract him away from the pain for at least a minute.
"Sorry Bren, a movie it is. I'll even buy you some candy if you're good."
Brennan suddenly laughed, an ugly laugh that had nothing to do with pleasure.
"You know it's funny, here we are making plans and I'm dying, life fucking sucks sometimes Jess."
Pain was written on Brennan's face, as he stared up at Jesse, holding his hand tightly, a lifeline against the torrent of agony that was threatening to sweep him away. Jesse tightened his own hold, until Brennan's fingers were crushed in his own, yet neither could pull away.
"You're not going to die Brennan. I'm not going to let that happen, I promise you I'll do everything that I can to get the pushka. Don't think you're getting out of the date by dying."
"Don't worry about that, the strongest thing keeping me here right now is you. Just hurry, as much as I want to hold on I can't do it much longer."
Jesse could hear the strength behind the words and knew that Brennan would hold on as long as possible. It was all he could hope for. Looking down, Jesse could see the effort it was taking Brennan just to talk, no way could he keep fighting for long. Jesse would have to get the pushka and soon. But before he could go there was one thing he had to do.
"Can I?"
Gesturing with his free hand, Jesse hoped Brennan could understand what he wanted.
"Yeah, okay."
Bending down, Jesse slipped his arm under Brennan's body then pulled him tight against his own. Brennan's skin was slick with sweat, and the smell of illness seemed to seep from his pours. It should have been a turn off; instead Jesse pressed his face against Brennan's cheek, feeling the heat that poured from his body. It felt weird, it felt good, it felt *right* this was where he was supposed to be.
Jesse could hear Brennan's harsh breathing, quick pants of air as another spasm took control. Unwilling to let go, he held on tighter when Brennan -- fighting for control -- tried to pull away. "It's okay, I've got you" Jesse held on, as Brennan's body seemed to shift in his grasp. Kept his own cheek against Brennan's as he felt hot salty tears slide between them. Muffled his own moan as Brennan's hand gripped his arm and dug in, hard.
"Thanks"
Brennan shifted a little, moving his head so he could look Jesse in the eye.
"For what? Needing someone to hold onto. I want you to do that Bren, not just now, always."
There was no way to see if the message had sunk in as Brennan slid towards unconsciousness, pain winning this battle. Gently pulling free from Brennan's embrace, Jesse could hardly bear the ache separation brought. He wanted nothing more than to stay, but finding the pushka was the most important thing right now.
Leaning forward, Jesse softly kissed Brennan's lips. Brushing over them tenderly, a chaste kiss with the promise for more later.
"Have to go now Brennan, I'll be back, whatever happens, wait for me okay."
The words were unanswered, he hadn't expected an answer, but leaving him was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever done.
"I'll stay with him Jesse."
Jumping a little, Jesse looked at Emma who stood in the doorway, a small smile on her face.
"It's just...I don't..."
"I know Jesse, I'll look after him for you, now go, you're his best hope right now.
With one last look, Jesse began to walk out, desperately trying to calm his emotions. Emma was right, he was Brennan's best hope, and no way would he loose him, not now when they'd taken the first steps towards a relationship. He would get the pushka, what ever it took.
Created on ... April 29, 2003