Thanks goes to Jenny for the beta reading on this. So thank you Jenny!
~*~*~*~
Turning into something
Drifting off to old ways
Got to pull myself back in
"I don't think it was that hard of a question, Brennan. Where were you last night? It was highly irresponsible to take off your com ring, you wear it for a reason."
"You know what, Adam? Those reasons don't mean anything to me right now. I went out, I came back. I'm a grown man. I don't need to answer to you."
With one last angry glare, Brennan spun around and walked -- anywhere to get away from the pain in Adam's face. He knew he was hurting the others, who'd been watching, concerned, as old habits had resurfaced. But what could he do? At times it was as if Sanctuary was a jail, suffocating him, strangling him out of all air. Brennan had been happy here once -- very happy -- so why was he so unsettled now? Why did he have to go out cruising every night? Drinking, whoring around... Last night he'd even taken a Porsche -- one flick of his finger and the locks opened, just like the old days -- and spent hours just driving round the city, free, alive.
But at what cost? He'd watched as Adam warred between concern and anger. Cringed a little as Shalimar hissed at the smell of stale sex and beer. Avoided Emma, who stared as if she could see the blackness of his soul, and Jesse -- God he was destroying Jesse.
He had to stop this, but how?
Holding back the questions
We're bruised with all rejection
Gotta pull myself back in.
"I don't think this is working anymore, Bren. I love you, God I love you so much! But you're killing me. If you want to know why I'm doing this, just ask one day, when you're you again..."
"Jess...wait..."
What was the point? Jesse was gone, just like all the others. And who could blame him? It was only so long before they saw who he really was. Brennan Mulwray - the freak, the bastard, the crook, the slut. Only so long before they saw below the perfectly crafted surface, saw what he'd been, what he could be again. Why wait? It was better for everyone if he pushed the process along. He belonged in the gutter, not here. It had been nice while it lasted...but there was no way he could belong here... was there?
Brennan stood motionless as he watched Jesse walk away. He felt horrible, as if someone had ripped out his heart and crushed it. He longed to run after Jesse, say sorry, had even taken one step towards him when Shalimar gathered Jesse in her arms, whispering in his ear, while glaring at Brennan, defying him to come closer.
Accepting the inevitable, Brennan turned and walked away. He hurt, but not for long. Some drinks, dancing, a faceless stranger who would fuck him hard in a dark alley or dingy hotel room. Soon he wouldn't hurt; soon he'd be too numb to feel anything. It was best that way.
Suffer the breaks
You know I still remember it
It keeps burning away
I know that you may take a while
To come back around
"I still love him, Shal. I know he's been a bastard these last few weeks. I've seen the evidence, I'm not blind, but I love him so much. I don't know why he's acting this way, but we've been happy for so long that I'm not gonna give up. I just hope pushing him away is the wake up call he needs."
"I understand, Jesse, really I do. I love Brennan as well...but God help him if he keeps on hurting you like this... I'm going to tear off his dick and stuff it down his throat."
It was easy to lean into Shalimar; good to know someone was there for him. These last few weeks had been hell on Jesse, watching as Brennan slipped further away from him. No one knew why the elemental had become so self-destructive. Jesse had seen how everyone looked to him for explanations as Brennan argued and disappeared night after night. Coming home hung over and sore. But he didn't know, how could he know when Brennan wouldn't talk to him?
He'd tried everything, talking, not talking, sex, no sex, bribery -- all for nothing. Brennan was drifting away in front of his eyes and there wasn't anything he could do but watch as it happened. Pretend not to notice the bites on his neck, the calls from old friends, the scent of whiskey, gas, cigarette smoke and come.
All Jesse could do was watch and remember the good times. How they used to laugh and fight together, a team, lovers but also friends. It was all that kept him going now.
Come back around
I miss you around
Pulling away from Shalimar's embrace, Jesse hoped he'd done the right thing. He'd pushed Brennan away. Please God. he thought. Let him come back...
Reaching out for someone
Burning out for so long
Got to pull myself back in
There's no new religion
And there's no real solution
Gotta pull myself back in
"Hey pretty boy, you up for some action?"
"Bring it on hot stuff, outside, now?"
This was idiotic, following some guy into a dark alley. Adam would be pissed, then again the way he'd been behaving lately, Adam probably wouldn't care. Brennan could feel glass crunch under his feet as he walked towards a dark corner. The guy was a stranger, blonde, blue eyes, smaller than him. Perfect.
He needed someone to touch him, tame the fire that crackled inside him, his past fighting with the present. The touch of hands on his chest was torture, burning his skin. Why was he doing this? Letting himself be fucked in a filthy alley by someone he didn't know.
Screwing his eyes shut, Brennan tried to shut out the reality, remembering other times--times when Jesse took him with care and love. It didn't work. All Brennan could do as he felt his pants pulled down was chant a mantra in his mind // I need this, I want this, I deserve this, I need this, I want this, I deserve this //
The thrust of the stranger's cock inside him was unexpected, savage. Brennan was pushed hard against the wall, skin scraping against rough brick. It hurt, he hurt -- why couldn't he go numb anymore? Why did he still feel?
Maybe he was wrong; maybe he couldn't fight the past like this. Maybe it was time to admit facts, he needed the others, needed to talk, needed Jesse. God he hoped he wasn't too late.
Suffer the breaks
You know I still remember it
It keeps burning away
I know that you may take a while
To come back...
"Jesse...I'm sorry...can we talk?"
"Brennan, where are you? I'm coming to get you, just stay there, please. I'll get the helix and be there soon. Just don't go away again, for me, please."
Hands shaking, Jesse had to drop onto a nearby seat. Brennan had got in touch at last, had put his ring back on, after two weeks away. He thought he'd lost him for good. That pushing him away had backfired badly. The whole team had suffered, searching over and over. Asking other mutants, walking the streets, watching Proxy Blue, alert for crimes done by elementals, but nothing.
Jesse had thought it was over, that Brennan's demons had won. Sitting night after night in his room he'd sat at his computer, pulling up files of Brennan's photos, sure that it was all he'd ever have of him. The hope had never completely gone, but it had been hard, for them all...but now, please let him come home...and stay.
Feel you're going under
So keep on treading water
Got to pull myself back in
Feel no obligation
But no more indecision
Gotta pull myself back in
"Hey, you wanna party?"
"Sorry pal, my partying's over...I hope."
Huddled in a doorway, Brennan watched for Jesse. He couldn't believe that he was coming for him, after all he'd done. For the last few days Brennan had felt that something was wrong, that Jesse was slipping away from him for good. He could have a cock in his mouth or a glass of whiskey in his hand, and Jesse's face would appear in front of his eyes.
Thinking of Jesse hurt more than any rough sex or hangover. Remembering how he'd hurt him had made Brennan cringe inside. He'd wanted to hurt, but never had he wanted Jesse to suffer so much. He'd wanted him to walk away and forget him, but it hadn't worked like that. He'd thought that Sanctuary had been suffocating him, but over these last few days, he'd seen that it hadn't been at all. What he'd thought was suffocation was concern and love. Something unfamiliar to Brennan, he'd been a fool. He just hoped it wasn't too late to go back and start again.
Pulling his coat tighter around him, Brennan sighed, resting his aching head against the wall. Content to wait for Jesse as long as it took.
We suffer the breaks
You know I still remember it
It keeps burning away
I know that it may take a while
I know you may take a while
To come back around
"Brennan."
"Jesse...damn, I've missed you so much. Let me come back home, please."
Jesse couldn't seem to make his feet move. Brennan stood in front of him, asking to come home, it was what he was hoping for, but could they make things right again? Brennan looked haggard, eyes sunken, unshaven, but to Jesse he was the most beautiful sight ever.
It would be a long time before he could forget this, but together they could go forward, lay Brennan's demons to rest at last. It was a chance he was willing to take. Holding out a hand in invitation, he pulled Brennan tight against his chest when the other man made contact.
They could beat this, together, and as a team. They were Mutant X after all.
Created on ... April 29, 2003