Episode Related: Hard Times
Pairing: Brennan/Jesse
Rating: PG
Status: Complete
Archive: WWomb, Terri's site
Series/Sequel: if you want any
Disclaimers: They aren't mine. Marvel Studios and the people associated with
them do. I just borrow them and return them.
Summary: Brennan's thoughts and feelings after the fight at Hillview.
Warnings: none
Notes: none
*****
Unbelievable. It's all unbelievable. I hurt Jesse. I hurt someone I loved
and had vowed never to hurt. I know it was unintentional. I know that I
didn't know what I was doing. It still hurts to look at Jesse. It hurts to
see the bruises, the split lip and if I lift his shirt even the broken ribs.
I kneel down at the side of our bed and touch Jesse. I trace the bruises and
the cuts. He stirs in his sleep and I bring my hand back to my side. I watch
him as he sleeps. He is such an angel when he sleeps. He wasn't when he was
trying to save me. He was trying to prove to me that he could take care of
himself. He has never had to prove that to me. But he believed that he did.
That's what got him where he is now. His need to prove me wrong. To prove
that I was wrong about him not being able to take care of himself. Well,
Jesse, I always knew you could take care of yourself. But you give of a
quality that says that you need to be taken care of.
I think that's why I didn't want Jesse at Hillview. I could see the man I
love eaten alive in a place like that. They would see him and think that he
was an easy mark. In hindsight I thought that too. But I was trying to
protect him. That's all I wanted. But Jesse protected me. He protected me
from getting killed. That is how I see it. If McMullen had gotten to me I
might have been dead right now and who would have taken care of my Jesse.
My Jesse. The one person who has my best interests at heart. He has a lot of
secrets. Secrets that he holds close to him. I don't ask and he doesn't
tell. You know, he wasn't the least bit intimidated by Hillview or any of
its inmates. I wonder why. I'll have to ask him later. I look back at him. I
reach out again and touch him. Everything will fade except the memory of
what I have done to the man I love and hold dear. Oh God, Jess, I could have
killed you. I could have taken a life. Jesse's life. What would I have done
without him?
My head drops in my hands and I sob. I cry for Jesse. I cry for a
relationship that was almost destroyed. I cry because love was almost taken
from me and by my own hands. Hands that will only touch the man before me in
love and not in anger. I know I was amped up on the serum but it doesn't
make me feel all right with what happened. Jesse hears my cries and wakes
from his sound sleep. He comes for me with open arms. He wraps me securely
in those arms and rocks me until I quit sobbing out my grief. He keeps me
in those arms still not letting go even though I am no longer crying. He is
telling me it will be all right. Will it be? Maybe in time when we both can
work out what had happened at Hillview. Even though he has forgiven me, I
have to forgive myself. I hope that Jess will give me the time and space to
do that. I look up in those blue eyes of his and see the love that he has
for me and feel a little bit better.
Everything will be all right given time. Maybe both of us will forget what
had happened at Hillview and what could have happened.
"All right now, Brennan."
"Yeah, Jess, all right."
I get up in the bed with him. I never leave those strong arms of his. I am
being held by a man who loves me just as I am. And has forgiven me. He never
lost his faith or trust in me even when I was starting to lose both in him.
He proved me wrong. He proved that I will always have faith and trust in
him. In spite of what happened at Hillview we still have love and each
other.