********
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Introducing Toni to Jesse. Of course, that doesn't mean it actually *was* a good idea. I should have known better. I'd known Toni for a long time, back in the days when everyone I knew was a criminal, when everyone I *wanted* to know was a criminal.
Things are different now. Not only am *I* no longer a criminal, but the people I spend most of my time with are as far from criminals as you can get.
Eckhart calls us deviants, as if we're the ones going around hunting down innocent people because of our own agenda's. No, he's the criminal, and we're the heroes.
How odd is it? That I can count myself among a group of actual heroes.
Never the less, it's true.
They're unlike anyone I had ever met before. Adam, Emma, Shalimar, but especially Jesse. I get the idea he hasn't really lived much of his life. Almost as if it's been lived *for* him.
He seems sort of sheltered, protected, but not. He's not a snobby rich kid who got everything done for him, but he isn't someone who's really *seen* a lot of the world.
Jesse seemed so at home with his computer, and that bizarre place known as cyberspace, introducing him to Toni seemed like a good idea. Someone he could relate to.
I didn't realize how much seeing them together would effect me.
Sure, I knew I was attracted to him, almost from the start. That was part of the reason I introduced them in the first place. I thought that if Jesse and Toni hit it off, Jesse and I would spend less time together, and maybe whatever this thing was between us would just go away.
Of course, I was also under the mistaken impression, that whatever I felt for Jesse was all about sex. If that had been the case, seeing him with Toni wouldn't bother me... much. Sure, I'd wonder what it would be like if it were me, but mostly, I'd feel relieved.
I felt anything but.
I did *not* like seeing them together. I didn't like thinking about it, and I was sorry that I'd ever thought it was a good idea to hook them up.
Then she tried to hack into the system at Sanctuary. And if that wasn't bad enough she was kidnapped by one of Eckhart's cronies in an attempt to subvert Proxy Blue.
It looked as if Toni had betrayed us, and I didn't even have to force myself to believe it. Jesse refused to believe she had set us up. I'm still not sure why that was.
If it was just because he really liked her, and didn't want to think badly of her, or if it was something all together different. I'll probably never know. Toni is one of those subjects Jesse and I don't discuss.
He was thankful enough for the introduction to begin with, now we just avoid the subject altogether. Like a lot of other subjects these days.
When it was all over, Adam set her up in the underground. She and Jesse talked about seeing each other again, but as far as I know they haven't, not that I've asked, or particularly want to know.
Now I'm in the awkward position of having to decide what to do now, where Jesse is concerned. Do I go on, like I did before, pretending I don't *really* want to get up close and personal with him, or do I actually try and get up close and personal with him?
And if it's the latter, what are my chances, really?
****
I flopped down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling... again. I'd spent a lot of time in here doing exactly that since Toni left for the underground. It wasn't that I really missed her, although I know that's what everyone else thought.
The truth was I didn't really know her all that well. I originally went out with her because it seemed like Brennan wanted me to. And it wasn't as though the person I really wanted to see was even remotely interested in me.
I've pretty much kept to myself these past few days, mostly because I feel so bad about what happened. It was my fault that Toni almost gave our location away to the GSA.
The irony of it is that the method she used to crack our system wouldn't have worked under normal circumstances. Toni was attractive, but she wasn't exactly my type. If it wasn't for my belief that Brennan *wanted* me to date Toni, I wouldn't have. If it didn't seem the like expected thing, I would have declined seeing those pictures.
I should have.
This entire mess could have been avoided.
Of course, it all worked out in the end. Eckhart's plans were ruined, Toni was rescued and is happily on her way through the underground, and our system is now crack-proof.
So why does it I feel like I lost my best friend?
****
I knocked on Jesse's door once, after standing outside for several long minutes arguing with myself about what exactly I was doing and why.
"Yeah?" Jesse's voice sounded strained but maybe that was just my own overactive imagination.
"Hey." I stepped into the room, shutting the door behind me. Jesse was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling.
"Hey." Jesse didn't even look at me. "What's up?"
"I thought maybe you'd want to talk." I offered, feeling a little awkward all of a sudden. The room seemed chilly. Again I wasn't sure if that was my own imagination, or if Jesse was really irritated. I can only actually think of one or two times when he's been irritated, and not at me, so I was leaning towards my imagination.
"There's nothing to talk about." Jesse sat up and looked up at me. "But, I think I'll pass on any future attempts to get set up."
He smiled then, but it seemed sort of strained.
"Not your type, huh?" I tried to joke. Apparently it fell flat because Jesse stiffened slightly.
"Not exactly." He stood up and moved around the room before sitting down in a chair as far away from me as he could get.
"Was it the criminal thing, or something else?"
Jesse looked up at me then, our eyes locking in what seemed to be a timeless moment. "Something else." Then he blinked and our connection was lost.
Maybe it was another case of my fertile imagination, but I was starting to sense something here, and despite my better judgement, I was going to push it.
"Too blond?" I asked quietly, but continued before he had a chance to answer. "Or wrong sex?"
His eyes moved back to mine and we were caught in another one of those timeless moments. His eyes narrowed slightly. "Don't." He stood up and moved back to the bed. "Just go."
"Jess..." I began.
"No, Bren, don't." He turned his back towards me. "Just...go."
I wanted to say something else. I'm not sure what but suddenly I realized that whatever had just happened here was about more than anything I may have just said, or done and whatever it was Jesse wasn't ready to talk about it.
I stood up and moved towards the door. I hesitated a second before I opened it and turned to him. His back was still to me, and I could see the tension in the set of his shoulders. I sighed and left him alone, hoping that I hadn't overstepped some invisible boundary.
Created on ... April 29, 2003