Rating: G
Pairing: Shalimar/Emma
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters; all rights go to those who do. I am just using them.
*****
It's been months since I've felt this way. I haven't been able to think of anything but her; and it's starting to drive me mad. I am a psionic, I have control over peoples emotions everyday; so why when it comes to my own, can't I get a grip?
Maybe it's because of the way she looks at me when we talk. Her brown eyes always find a way to pierce me straight through the heart. And maybe it's how she is constantly stunning me with how needy she truly is. She wants us to thing she is the strong one, with every aspect of her life firmly in check; but I know it's all a front.
I can't remember when I first realized that she had this affect on me. Maybe it was when she risked her life to save me. Hell, I don't even give a damn; all I care about is that these feelings, these distractions disappear before I do something really stupid like kiss her. It seems like lately, that's all I've been thinking about.
I imagine us somewhere in a dark corner; maybe a club or even the Sanctuary. We are merely talking; sometimes we unnecessarily touch one another and the other times we do excessive amounts of staring. It's like we have been waiting for this moment our whole lives; that we have finally found the one person we actually click with. And almost every time, when I think we have nothing more to say to each other, I lean in and plant a gentle kiss on her awaiting lips. When I open my eyes and settle my attention back to her, she does nothing more then smile and capture my lips again with hers.
I know it's all a dream, so I don't know why I bother. I have no right expecting her to reciprocate. She is clearly in love with *him*. I know this; I have known this from day one, so why make myself suffer. It's time to move on. Get a life Emma, because hers is clearly occupied.
She's staring at me again! I hate it when she does that. It makes me feel like some freak show on display. I don't get why she just can't avert her eyes to someone or something else; mostly because when it comes to her, I feel so helpless.
I can't control my heart beat when she bumps up against me. My temperature fluctuates from hot to hotter every time I realize she makes me feel so alive. I want to pull her near me when we are dancing; only because I don't want anyone else to claim her for themselves. It's not jealousy really, it's more fear. I fear that she will wake up one day and be in love with some wonderful person; and I will be left alone with my regret.
She must never know that I secretly wish she would kiss me. I know that I must be careful when I am around her, because she can pick up on the slightest hint of tension in a person's state of mind. That really puts between a rock and a hard spot; seeing as how mine is currently not stable.
I hope one day I can tell her how she makes me feel. How I want to hug her longer when no one is looking, how I want to be the one to make her laugh, and how I want to be the one who stops her from crying.
I know that I am selfish for thinking she should belong to me; but my heart can't deny what it feels inside. I am in way over my head. It is one thing to have a silly school girl crush; but when it's on another woman, things aren't so funny any more! I can't push her away, mostly because I don't want too; but I also can't let her in. What do you do, when the heart wants what it can't have?
Created on ... May 12, 2003