pairing: Shalimar/Emma

spoilers: Inferno

status: complete

rating: R

archive: sure! just let me know

website: www.geocities.com/the_tenth_muse1/

summary: Shalimar has issues with how she handled the whole fear of fire thing and Emma gets smacked headfirst with the clue-bus, or, actually, gets run over by it. *grin*

WARNINGS: bad language and angst. disclaimers: not mine, never will be, not making any money from this.

*****

Fire. There's nothing worse for a feral. You'd think, with all the feline characteristics we've got, that water would be the biggie, right?

Wrong.

For as long as I can remember, the spit and hiss of flames has always sent chills of dread down my spine. Most of the time, when there's explosions or whatever, I'm too busy to think or react to it. There's normally guns going off, or alarms blaring, and we're being chased or chasing. There's just no time for me to be afraid, let alone for my fear to get hold of me.

This last time, though, that damned mutant fire-starter…it was all about the fire. Everything was about the heat and smoke and flames. I took one look at that warehouse and literally couldn't take another step closer. I felt like slinking away with my tail between my legs; or better still, running away as fast as I could.

The others' assurances only made me feel worse. They could run into a burning building to save someone, but I couldn't. No one seemed to understand just how much I hated it. It's not in my nature to let anything rule me, especially not my fear. They kept trying to tell me that it wasn't cowardice, but I knew better. You can conquer your fear if you have enough motivation.

"Shal?"

Speaking of motivation. I looked over at Emma with a smile. "Hey. Feeling better?"

She nodded, just a tiny gesture. "Yeah, thanks."

"How's Ray's wife doing?" I asked, motioning for her to join me.

Taking off her coat and gloves, Emma set them on the empty chair and sat beside me on the couch. Her head leaned against my shoulder and she replied, "With everything that happened, she's still pretty shook up. Couldn't believe that Billy was behind everything, but the watch convinced her. I think Frank will help her get through it. Well, they'll help each other get through it, anyhow."

"Yeah? That's good."

We were silent for a few minutes, just relaxing in each other's company before she asked, "How are you doing? I'm sorry I wasn't around to help you this time."

I shrugged and answered, "You had a little too much going on in your head, I understand. Time-share Emma, favorite merging place for the recently departed."

She grinned a little at the teasing, which was a relief, and poked me lightly. "You're avoiding the question. Are you okay?"

I sighed and thought about it seriously. I was still ashamed at my earlier behavior. If I'd hesitated any longer, Emma wouldn't be sitting here. My fear had almost killed her.

"Shal, stop. It wasn't your fault," Emma soothed, putting her hand on my thigh.

"You could've died."

"Yeah, and it would have been Ray's fault, or mine for not fighting him harder for control, not yours."

The firm tone was supposed to drive away the guilt, but it didn't work this time. All I could see was Emma trapped by the flames and screaming for me to help her. I shuddered as I remembered the heat pulsing towards me, cutting me off from rationality while the love of my life was almost roasted alive and screaming for help.

"Oh, Shal," she whispered, pulling me roughly into her arms.

The tears came grudgingly, but they came. I clung to her, my face buried in her soft sweater as I shook with the reaction of fear and guilt. Her hands stroked me, one over my hair and the other on my back. Her words were as soft as her sweater, trying to soothe me, but not working this time. I finally choked out, "It could happen again, Emma. I could hesitate just a little too long and just like that, you'd be dead. Or Jesse, or Adam, or Brennan, or some innocent person depending on me!"

"You can't take on this kind of responsibility," she said, her mouth very close to my ear. "You're only human, believe it or not. We all have unconquerable fears, but this isn't yours. You beat it, Shal, and you saved me. That's all the matters. As for the next time, well, you'll be able to move faster because of this experience."

"But what if I don't? What if…"

She stopped my words by covering my mouth, looking at me seriously. "Don't second guess yourself, Shal. You can only do what you can do. And I have faith in you. I always did. I knew that you would come for me."

The dead certainty in her eyes scared me and I pulled away. I didn't deserve it and sure as hell couldn't handle it. I got to my feet and said, "I can't…I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow."

I knew that my distance hurt her, could see it on that all too expressive face of hers, but couldn't stay. My hearing picked up her soft sigh, even as I escaped the room and strode down the hall.

* * * *

I took off early the next day, well before dawn, wanting to avoid the others. If there was an emergency, they could reach me through the comm ring. I just needed some space, needed to prowl and work off some of this over-compensating aggression, as Emma would have put it. I was afraid, so now I was pissed. And since I didn't want to take it out on my family, I had to leave.

Despite my lack of sleep, or maybe because of it, I was wired. The car flew along the empty road because it was Sunday, which I'd forgotten about with all the action. Sometimes I completely lost track of what day it was because in an emergency, we could go for days at a time. Sometimes the day itself didn't matter, just how many hours were left in it until the disaster that was waiting to happen, happened. Or we prevented it, if we were on our game.

Thankfully, that happened more times than not.

I pulled off the road when I got to the preserve, the new car ignoring the massive potholes as only a new car can. It looked completely out of place among the second-hand and ancient cars parked in the dirt lot. Just as I would no doubt look out of place with tight jeans and a snug tee. I didn't have a jacket despite the cold because I was planning to work up a sweat.

There were a few stares from those still at their cars, but it was something I was used to. A couple of the looks were admiring and a couple derisive, as if to say, 'Yeah right, girl, what the hell do you think you're doing here?'

It didn't take long to lose myself in the nature around me and within an hour or so, I found a comfortable perch about twenty feet off the ground in a massive oak tree. I stretched out along the branch, eyes closed and listening to the world around me as my breathing slowed and the sweat from running around began to dry. There were plenty of birds chirping their way through the morning. The squirrels were all hibernating, so none of them chattered at me, which was a little disappointing. They were fun to watch and get scolded by.

"How the hell'd you get up there?"

I'd heard the man's approach and smelled his after-shave quite a bit away, so the question didn't startle me. I shifted lazily onto my side and looked down at him. "I climbed, how do you think?"

Disbelief was plain, but since there was no other logical explanation, he had to accept the lie. "Well, it's not safe for you to be up there, so you should get down."

I had to allow that his ranger's coat gave him the right to order me down, but didn't really want to leave my perch. I was always more comfortable aloft, and I still needed some space and time to think. "I'm just going to climb up again once you're gone."

He scowled and suggested, "I could escort you off the preserve."

Grinning, I replied, "Feel free to try."

The scowl deepened and I hurriedly said, "I just need to clear my head, you can understand that, can't you? I promise, if I fall, I won't sue the preserve."

He hesitated, then said, "All right. But be careful."

"Yes, sir!" I agreed, saluting.

There was a snort of amusement and he headed off in the direction he'd been going before noticing me.

The forest returned to its normal winter fuss with his departure and I sighed in contentment. Even the bitter cold air against my bare arms was good.

* * * *

I was very nearly a feral-sicle a couple of hours later due to nodding off. A bird landed right by my head, startling me awake and bringing me back to the fact that I really wasn't dressed for this weather. Grimacing, I stretched out the kinks in my body and jumped down, landing easily in a crouch in the soft snow. Goosebumps had taken up permanent residence all over and I set a brutal pace back to the car to warm up.

As I got back, it started snowing. Just what I needed: to drive home in the snow. Well, at least it wasn't a freezing rain, which was actually more likely the closer I got to the city. The drive back was slower, of course, so it was near mid-afternoon before I actually got back to Sanctuary. By that time, I was thoroughly chilled, exhausted, and feeling a bit nauseous.

And didn't it just figure that on top of my mental and emotional misery, my body would jump on the bandwagon by getting sick?

I dragged myself towards my bedroom down the corridor least likely to meet up with anyone, but it didn't work. I was at my door, hand on the doorknow, when Jesse stepped out of his room.

"Shal?"

Sighing to myself, I faced him and answered, "None other."

"You look like crap."

"Thanks."

"Are you sick?"

Eyes rolling a bit at the obvious question, I nodded. "Just a chill. I'm going to take a shower and go to sleep."

"I could fix you some soup if you want," he offered, stepping closer in concern.

I avoided his hand by opening my bedroom door and moving inside. "Thanks, but I'm good. Just need a nap."

The hurt surprise on his face was just a perfect compliment to the guilt at having snubbed him. "I'm sorry, Jess, just…I need to sleep, okay?"

He nodded, blue eyes worried as I retreated into my room, closing the door behind me with finality. My door was rarely closed while I was in it, not even at night when we were sleeping. Part of that had to do with wanting to hear any potential threat to my family, but the other part was letting the others know that they could always come to me, no matter what time of day or night.

Not now, though. The only thing I wanted was to crash and that was exactly what I did.

Things got really fuzzy after that.

I don't remember making it to the shower, but there was definitely cold water involved at some point. And while ferals as a rule don't have trouble with water, at that point in time, I violently objected to it. I sort of remember Emma and Adam holding me upright and underneath the bitch of a stream of ice water. If I'd been stronger, Adam would've come away with more than a black eye and bruised ribs.

As it was, by the time the world became more than a blur a few days later, he was still sitting awkwardly. And here we are, right back to the guilt factor, if for a different reason. I cleared my throat and asked, "Adam?"

His eyes instantly left the thick book in his hands for me. He dropped the tome onto the floor and moved from chair to bed. A smile graced his lips, the darkness under his right eye shining wonderfully in the light. "Welcome back."

"What happened?" I asked.

"You had a really high fever," he answered, his fingers stroking over my hair. "You know, the next time that you decide to go hiking, I'd appreciate it if you'd wear more than a t-shirt."

Seeing the tired lines on his face, I realized that he'd been with me through the whole time I was sick. "Sorry. I wasn't thinking too clearly at the time."

He nodded, dark eyes sympathetic. "So I gathered. You want to tell me about it?"

My father confessor. Mostly just my father. The man I loved more than any other in the world, even Jesse, and to whom I felt complete loyalty. "I'm a failure."

Surprise broke across his face and he repeated, "Failure?"

"The fire. My fear. I'm still scared, Adam," I whispered.

Understanding chased away the surprise and he sighed, his hand shifting to grip my shoulder. "I know it feels like that, but it's not true, Shalimar. You're the bravest person I know and going into that fire to save Emma proves it. I don't know any feral, any, that would have done as you did."

"But…"

He held up a hand and my words died. "You hesitated, I know. I was going to talk to you about this before you pulled your disappearing act, but I didn't get a chance."

His smile took away any sting from the words and I smiled in response.

"Sometimes hesitation is not only good, but necessary. To size up a situation. Or, to gird yourself so that emotions don't get in the way. In this case it was both. Yes, fear played a part, but you didn't let it control you, Shalimar, and that's what counts. You can be as hard on yourself as you want, because I know you will, but what matters most is that you saved Emma. You got her and yourself out of danger."

Why did it sound like common sense when Adam told it and indulgence when Emma had? I reached up and took his hand, bringing it to my lips with, "Thanks."

He leaned over and kissed my forehead before standing up. "Anytime. Now. You are going to get some more sleep and when you wake up, you're going to have some soup."

Grinning, I mock-saluted and replied, "Yes, sir!"

His chuckle was warm as I turned over and buried myself under the nest of blankets. Falling asleep was strangely easy.

* * * *

When I woke up next, it was dark. Though there were no lights, I knew that I wasn't alone. It took a few seconds since my senses were still sluggish from being sick, but I identified Emma and relaxed. Shifting under the blankets, I asked softly, "Emma?"

"Yes?" she answered immediately.

"Oh, nothing, just wasn't sure if you were sleeping or not."

"I'm awake. Just doing some thinking."

"In the dark?"

She moved and flicked on the bedside lamp. I tensed when I saw that she'd been crying and sat up a little too quickly. The world swam, but she was suddenly by my side to steady me with an arm around my waist.

"You should take it easy," she murmured.

"What happened? Why were you crying?" I demanded.

She looked startled, raising a hand to her face. "I didn't even know that I was."

Which made a lot of sense. Not. "Emma, what's wrong? Tell me, please?"

Her smile was bittersweet in the dim light and she touched my cheek. "Nothing, honey. I'll be fine."

I hated it when she locked me out, hated it with a passion. "Emma…"

She gave me an odd look, then asked, "Why did you believe Adam and not me, Shal? He told me about your conversation and I said pretty much the same thing."

I shrugged and answered, "I don't know. Maybe I was just in a different frame of mind or something."

"Or something," she muttered.

"What's that got to do with why you were crying?"

"I just, I figured out that something I wanted was never going to happen, that's all. It was a painful realization. Nothing you can help me with."

There was definitely more going on than she let on, but it was impossible to tell what from that guarded sentence. "Emma, you won't know that until you tell me what's really going on. You've always come to me before this, why can't you now?"

"Because you're the problem!"

I froze as her eyes widened with dismay. Obviously she hadn't meant to say that. Finding my voice, I asked, "How?"

Groaning, covering her face with her hands, it was a long time before she took a breath and got to her feet. From a short distance away, she said, "I love you."

Mystified, I replied automatically, "And I love you."

Shaking her head vehemently, Emma clarified, "No! I'm in love with you."

I frowned and agreed, "I know. And I'm in love with you. I'm still confused, though."

Emma's jaw dropped. "You're not the only one. How…what do you mean, you know?"

"Is that what this is about?" I asked. "Emma, I've known for months."

"How!?" she wailed.

Taken aback by her reaction, I answered, "I'm not sure. It was just, it just was. I knew. Your body language, the time we spent together, all of the touches. And, um, you smelled different."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"You're not into women."

Disbelief sketched her face as she repeated, "Not into women?"

Uncomfortable now, I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, you're straight, Em. I've never seen you look at another woman besides me."

"Okay, now I'm really confused. You knew I was in love with you but thought, what, that I wouldn't want you sexually?"

I thought it over for a second, then nodded again. "That's pretty much it, yeah."

"But if I smelled different, didn't that tell you that I wanted you?" Emma demanded.

Flushing, I replied, "No. You didn't smell, um, horny, just different."

Groaning, with frustration this time, Emma asked, "So you were just going to take whatever I could give you? You weren't ever going to say anything?"

"What was there to say?" I countered. "Maybe, 'I know you love me, Emma, but don't want a relationship with me?' Oh yeah, that would've gone over great."

Emma just stared at me for a long moment, then she laughed, a short, ironic sound. "You know, for a feral, your instincts are way off base here."

Wary now, I questioned, "How so?"

Stepping close, she rested her hands on my shoulders and replied, "I do want you. I just don't know what I'm doing. With a guy, it's pretty easy to figure out. But I didn't want to screw up with you. Only, you never gave me any indication that you were even interested in me like that. I thought I was just imagining things."

My hands found her waist all on their own, without any prompting from me, and tugged her close so that my cheek rested against her abdomen. Then my arms slid around her back and wrapped tight around her. "Definitely not imagining things."

She bent down and kissed the top of my head. "Good."

"I think I'll just, ah, come back. Later."

We both looked over at Jesse's flushed face as he stood awkwardly in the doorway holding a tray, and I laughed. Releasing Emma, I waved him forward and said, "Don't worry, Jess, if I was going to ravish her, I'd have shut the door."

His skin deepened to a really dark red and I laughed more, falling weakly back on the bed. It probably wasn't very nice of me to tease Jesse like that, but he really was too easy sometimes. Besides, I hadn't had a good laugh in too long.

By the time he got to the bed, he was well and truly irritated. "See if I bring you supper in bed again."

I reached out to him after he'd set the tray down and he took my hand. "Sorry, Jess. I'll behave, I'll promise."

"First time for everything," Brennan's voice called from the other end of the room.

What was this, old home week? Then I was immediately contrite. Of course they'd want to see me, having just been so sick. I grinned at him and agreed, "Always."

Emma perched on the bed and I snuggled against her, my head on her lap. Jesse sat on the bed by my legs while Brennan took the chair, turning it backwards to drape over.

"So what's with the winter sunbathing?" Brennan asked.

I grimaced and answered, "Wasn't thinking too straight."

"The fire thing?" Jesse guessed.

"Yeah."

"But she's over that now," Emma put in, twining our hands together.

Looking up at her, I grinned and nodded. "Definitely."

Brennan echoed the grin with, "Good. Because Adam's really bitchy with busted ribs."

"I heard that."

Not a big surprise to hear Adam join in. He crossed the room and thumped Brennan upside the head, lightly though. He was smiling, too, that small but brilliant one reserved for us alone, his family, as his hand rested on Brennan's shoulder.

Jesse grinned and said, "Well, you are. You don't hear us complaining when we're hurt."

"Since when?" I drawled. "You're both big babies."

Emma laughed softly and kissed my forehead observing, "Says pot to kettle."

"Hey!"

They all laughed, then Brennan said, "Seriously, though, Shal. Don't do that again."

Warmed by the love and support they all practically radiated, I brought Emma's hand to my mouth for a brief kiss before agreeing, "I won't. I promise."

HOME

BACK

Created on ... May 03, 2003