Disclaimer: I own nothing. Absolutely nothing. Hey I'm just a girl with a disturbed mind and no one to talk to! Give me a break will ya.

Author's notes: Like some really smart lady once said: plot? what plot? :) The quotations are from Leaves of Grass. Since this is Brennan's POV, I'm guessing he might like to quote his favorite poet in his writings. I know it's a weird mix of abrupt mush with abrupt humor and pure smut... I'm. well. working on it.

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Brennan keeps a journal.

Feedback: Please please please do!

*****

6 Feb, 2003 This hour I tell things in confidence; I might not tell everybody, but I will tell you

Tonight was the greatest night of my life. oh alright. So every journal entry of mine starts this way these days. Nothin new right? Wrong. Every night just gets better . and sweeter. and fuller and sexier. Then night blends into day and the amazement refuses to fade. Each day is brighter. and sunnier. and all this sunnyness owed to a single existence of one Jesse Kilmartin. In my life. Jesse. Jesse. Jesse.

A goofy smile plays on my face as I key in many more adjectives than I usually use, and positive ones at that. Positive - is that an adjective? I think its that funny thing called love that's affecting my journal skills here. Love. Jeez that sounds corny. Sounds nice too, kinda warm and. tingly and. corny.

So lets see, what did I do today. woke up, worked out with Shal, checked up on Jess... still sleeping, target practice with Emma - me being the target. she doing the practice, came back to wake Jess with lot more than a kiss, breakfast, ate Jesse in the corridor, dropped new recruits to their new homes, took Jesse in the safehouse, crippled Gabriel's goons, kissed Jesse in the Helix, yawned through Adam's debriefing to make him think us dead tired, washed Jesse in the shower, fucked Jesse in the shower, carried Jesse to bed and. you see a pattern here?

I think I've finally narrowed it down to fine precision. A complete set of instructions so to speak? The ultimate formula to drive Jesse crazy. Oh yeh, one that guarantees never ever to go wrong. And promises to leave my beautiful, naïve partner buried deep in my arms, gasping my name over and over. And over. Brennan. Brennan. Brennan.

"Brennan?"

If this were pen on paper, you could tell by the suddenly spiking scribbles that Jess is awake. He raises himself lightly from the antique twenty-first century four-poster wrought iron bed draped in black satin sheets - Shalimar's idea of a birthday gift - bed included. You think she knows?

Oh but the boy is adoringly disoriented, longish hair spiked in seven directions. He squints and spots me sitting on the couch, in my trustee black jeans, hunched over my laptop on the table in front, staring back. At Jesse. He smiles to find me and I smile too, only to look away and back at my journal on the screen. Let him come. Let him come. And he does.

He ambles over, swaying sexily, some because of sleep but mostly because he knows I'm following the glamorous movement of his slim hips from afar. Must have been a model in another life? Concentrate Mulwray. On your journal.

He stands close to my right, hands locked behind him, quietly, coyly. waiting for me to look up at him. He rocks himself ever so slightly from side to side, pretty much like a kid. Its a game we play. He knows he must rally for my attention, and that I love it when he pouts for me. begs for me. puts up a show for me. He loves it too.

Jeez you have to give in Mulwray, how cant you? No way can I resist looking at his face anymore. I let out a huge. huge sigh as I gaze up at him and see the expression of pure and undisguised want on his face. How perfectly he conveys his desire for me without uttering a word. Remember the warm tinglyness we talked about? Moving groinward now.

He knows he has me, smiles with a dash of triumph, and just that hint of I-got-you-wrapped-around-my-little-finger-big-guy twinkling in his deep as sea green eyes. I wet my lips thinking of the sweet revenge soon to follow and tug at strings of his grey sweatpants to pull him closer. And this is where I put my how-to-drive-Jesse-crazy guide to... pleasurable practice.

Step one. Chide Jesse for having put back on his drawstrings. And for God's sake do not fall for the pout again. Your room is a no-clothes- zone doesn't he remember? And no, the rule applies only to him.

Step two. Strip Jesse naked. And do take your time with it. Lots of fun to be had with a pair of jammies alone. And in case I wonder about the jammies when I read this later. sarcasm babe. It does get better with practice don't it?

Step three. Admire the gorgeous expanse of Jesse and more Jesse from head to last curling toe. When he shies, tell him he's the sexiest being you've ever seen. only so he blushes harder.

Step four. Bring Jesse's head down to plant a gentle long-drawn kiss on his plush lips as he clutches at you desperately.

Step five, and moving forward, let's skip the numbers shall we? Bring your arms around Jesse, one hand supporting his neck, the other holding his kissably pert ass as you lower him into your lap. Clever little maneuver considering you're still welded at the mouth. Pace the rhythm of the kiss, from gentle to deep to hungry to rough... and back to gentle.

Mmmph. pull back if he tries to hurry it up, you're taking no shortcuts this time round. Eventually he gets the idea and gives up, letting his mouth be slowly. but thoroughly devoured by you.

Okay getting gross here. Who is you? Statutory Warning: Do Not try this on my Jesse. Jesse Kilmartin the molecular. Sexy blonde guy with green eyes and tight butt? Youngest member of MutantX? Yep that's him. And he's off limits! Find your own Jesse.

So where were we? Yeh. kissing him. He's kissing me. And its the most precious taste of heaven I can ever hope to have in this otherwise wretched and unworthy of anything remotely heaven-related lifetime. But this. this is mine to keep. Jesse is mine. My very own piece of. salvation. One I intend not to lose till my dying day. Oh-kay getting seriously side-tracked here. Neat English though eh? And Jesse is getting restless as hell too. Not so soon sweetheart. I aint done with my twenty steps here.

Step six, or is it seven? Oh darn it. I cant be sure how long we kiss but I know I could do it an eternity. Jesse however, might not like to be kept hanging. Always in a hurry this boy. I know what he does to me. And I know what I do to him. I know he cant wait to have me inside him, filling him, fucking him. The thought alone sends my own kiloamperes zipping up my already stiff hardness. It tests my resolve, but I want to take it slow. to do it for Jesse. to make the ride as pleasurable for Jesse as humanly possible. That droopy-eyed look he fixes me with. one of sheer ecstasy and such contented bliss. oh yeh. Definitely worth the wait. Writhe all you want baby, you're not going anywhere.

He breaks free and looks at me, eyes urging me to get on with it. I shush him down, dive in to peck at his nose and he laughs. I kiss his forehead. his closed eyes, one then the other, his perfect jawline, cheeks hollowing out with every rapid breath he takes. and getting faster. I press his torso into me, feeling his strong heart thumping away to mine. He sinks into my embrace with I think the highest level of trust he has ever bestowed on anyone. In these arms, he feels safe. I know he does.

Yeh its not like he says such stuff to me, hell I never say such stuff to him either. we. we. nod. We clap backs, and when no one's watching we. kiss, we caress. we. hold. Gently, firmly. Quietly. Words? ummm. havent really made their utility felt between us yet. No wonder I fill pages and pages every night. Deviating. Where was I? Yeh, Trust. Safe. Arms. Jesse. And I know just the thing to do to make Jesse jump...

He jumps. Every time, every single time! I cant help but chuckle at his reaction when I take his throbbing shaft in my grip. I swear the day he stops blushing or gets used to my touching him intimately, I would... I would start to worry.

He burrows his face into the thin veil of hair on my chest, and proceeds to suckle. Another shock to my already sensitised system and I gasp sharply. He likes that, as he digs his neatly cropped nails into my biceps and continues to play with my nipples. Holy mother of fuck. If he doesn't stop that. getting selfish again Mulwray.

I raise his head and capture his lips into another ravenous kiss, and meanwhile start a steady stroking pace on his beautifully ripe organ. Up, and down, slow then fast, hard then harder. and now Jesse is moaning into my mouth and squirming so bad in my lap he almost pushes me off the edge. I hold him down as he pushes up, making the sweet torture last longer and longer, until he stiffens for a micro second. and then comes with a humongous scream. Bren! Oh God Brennan!

Have you ever seen a smug little cheshire cat smile? smugly? Well look at me, I'm close enough. Oh forget me, look at the man in my arms. breathless and boneless and exhausted but so... Very. Happy. I know he is. It doesn't take much to make Jesse purr like this. For all his little whims and quirks, he really doesn't ask for too much you know. Which just makes me want to give him more and more. Give him everything I have. And then some.

He wants me to rock him now. I know he does. So I do. He hides his face in the crook of my neck and curls up those fine legs closer into my lap. I sag against the couch, taking his breathtaking form with me and in the moments that follow, we're so still. and so silent. it's serenity like I've never known it.

Press close, bare-bosom'd night! Press close, magnetic, nourishing night!

"Brennan?"

"yeh"

"that thing you do with your index finger.?"

"you want me to?"

He raises his head so I can see his perfect face with the perfect eyes drowned in passion and the perfect lips bitten through with anticipation. Oh yeh.

I don't need to be asked twice. We kiss again as I plan my next move. Now how to flip him over without. he breaks off (does that too often) and gives me his version of the cheshire cat smile. Then turns over so I can place him on his stomach and press his frame across my lap and the couch. It puts a lot of distance between his mouth and mine which I regret. But I get over it the moment I see his luscious bottom propped up in my lap, and feel him stirring anew against myself. The thing I do with my fingers? You asked for it baby.

I bring my index finger to my lips and push it in. Salivating on my finger thinking of what I would prefer to have in my mouth instead, I lave it well and then pull out to reach for my friend's little entrance. He's the tightest I've ever known, so much that I worry about hurting him, and he refuses to loose his obduracy anytime soon. Jesse had meanwhile been squirming with frustration thinking I was making him wait and. maybe I was. He lets out a quiet sigh of relief as he finally feels his opening prodded. He also jumps in the very next instant to realise what I was doing to him. I tickle him with little circles on the ring and he gasps sharply. I chuckle. my baby.

Oh but he's tight. I slip in, slowly prodding my way while he breathes in and out to get himself to relax around my finger. I massage his passage sensually, stroking his rosy cheeks with my free hand and rubbing his erection between my thighs below. Looks like I will need the lubricant after all. No issues. My moisturizer is never out of reach. Friggin boy scout.

I grab the bottle, single-handedly open it, squeeze it and drop a huge dollop smack onto his quivering aperture. He is unable to curb a little yelp as the coolness hits his hot-worked-spot. I shush him and rub his back lovingly as he gets used to the temperature. What I'd like to do is whisper sweet words of. adulation and. encouragement and. love. But I don't.

What is it with men and words anyway? I ponder this just as I reinsert my index finger into Jesse. All the way in.

Do you know how it feels to have someone invade you like that? Believe me, its all about who is doing the invading. Be a Ghenghis Khan and it burns like hell, it hurts both inside and out, for a long while, and with a lifetime of trauma absolutely free. Be gentle, and senstive, and patient, and it's the sweetest sensation of fulfillment you'll know. Like someone replaced the emptiness in you with something beautiful and worthwhile. Filled you with hope, and joy, and life. and love. Women will you tell you that. I can too. And that's what I want Jess to feel. The hope, the joy. the. unspoken love. And a few sparks of electricity thrown in for leisure.

"Aah!"

Bull's eye. I zap him again, just the mild charge to make him buzz all over and cause extreme stimulation to his places that matter. The electricity runs from me to him, joining us in a circuit of complete pleasure. He moans and he writhes and the sight of him like this drives me insanely close to the edge. He turns his head to catch my expression of breathlessness and `Oh-God-Jesse' as he wriggles against me engaging our proud manhoods in a passionate duel. The hand that grips him across his waist tightens on its own and I worry if I might be bruising him, but that's all I do. Another finger joins the first one, stretching him, paving the way upto his prostrate. He pushes up into my hand and fucks himself on my fingers. God I love how his butt rises and falls like a naughty little wave. I zap him and he almost buckles, and the loud moan will tell you I got his sweet spot again. How he chants my name like it was a mantra to save his soul... my name is all he knows. the only word in his breathless vocabulary . and maybe its enough. or is it?

Will you speak before I am gone? Will you prove already too late?

I zap him over and over until he's screaming for mercy and soon coming in a huge torrent of untamed lust. My own erection hurts from being binded and I reach to unzip myself. He bats my hand away and goes for the black zipper himself. Pulling out my weeping organ, he pumps me with his hand, rubbing against his own, which somehow still refuses to go down. Must be the charged fingers in his ass plowing away with a will and desire of their own.

The stroking grows relentlessly until the hunter becomes the hunted and I scream my release into Jesse's talented hands. The next few seconds are a blur, like I'm freefalling, and do not wish to be caught. but I'm aware when he follows me into sensual bliss and then. It passes. And we collapse into silence once more, my fingers still wedged inside him. Nothing but our ragged breaths and heaving chests. and the creamy stickiness between us to give away our sinful indiscretions.

"No don't leave me"

He wants me to forget my hand up him. Jeez how this boy tires me out. And to think that we havent even started. Jesse turns over, raises himself and lunges for me. Ughh... I accept his hug boneslessly and when I find the strength, wrap myself around him. Tightly. Ever noticed how he refuses to support his own weight when in my grasp?

After a while, he's back to nibbling my neck and shoulders and chest and. aah. nipples. Sweet Jesus, this boy conspires to kill me of aneurism I swear. It'll be one of those really funny deaths where the guy has a heart attack in the middle of ..you know. it. and people stuff food into their mouths so as not to laugh at his wake. Brennan Mulwray. ripped away from us. in a tragic moment of. cruel fate. in the blossom of youth. Certain stirrings at the base of my spine and through my rejuvenating groin draw my attention back to the subject at hand. Namely Jesse.

He's kissing every inch of my face, and when I look down to meet his gleaming eyes. oh dear. We'd had a busy day, I mean really busy. and frankly I was wondering if he was up for more. but now that he pouts it that way.

I pull out of him as he almost groans miserably, then I gather the naked boy to me and get up. He howls delightedly, fearing I would drop him.

"Don't you trust me?"

"I thought you were all burned out for the day."

That stops me in my tracks and I give him my baddest scowl. He grins and raises one eyebrow in a mock challenge. Guess I would just have to prove myself to him now wouldn't I?

So I dump Jesse onto the bed, get naked and climb on top of him, trapping his lean toned body between my legs. Not that he's planning to go anywhere. And he's fervent as always, wanting it fast and rough and boundless. uhh sorry baby, no can do. You're going to pay for the burning-out crack kid. Big time. He takes me in his hands to prepare me, but I pull him off and press his hands by the sides of his head, bending over him, hopefully menacingly. He is amused.

"Hey tell me if you're tired, I would totally understand."

"Again with the teasing. You're not getting this any faster kid."

"Just lookin out for you man."

And I lower my smirking face to his smirking face. Our lips lock and tongues clash, wanting to change mouths with each other. (Okay that's a gross one please ignore it.) We kiss. And we kiss. Hands in every reachable place on the other, legs. Jesse's legs winding round my waist. pushing me closer and closer to the void he wishes me to fill. Yesterday.

I pull back, let him keep his legs around me, but slide further downward as he whimpers his protest. I start to slowly kiss my way down his face, to his neck, to his nipples. "You're stalling darling. If you're not up for it we could uhh!!" I bite into a delicious rose bud on his smooth rising chest, eliciting just the desired response. Then I close my lips around it, soothing the sting, humming my contentment to suckle him for an eternity.

"Mmmhh. Brennan.."

His breathing is hard and fast, and his hands in my hair are slightly trembling.

"Slowly Jess. take it easy."

"No, not slow. not. hurry. please hurry."

I smile into the dip of his navel and lick it wetter. He squirms harder and whimpers louder, knowing what was to follow. I sink lower and take his beautiful organ into my mouth as he braces himself for the impending sensory attack.

I lick the head teasingly, run my tongue down right to the base and back up. I caress his silken balls with one hand while holding his throbbing shaft with the other. He spreads his legs wantonly inviting me to take more, and I do. After placing a little kiss on the swollen head, I proceed to throat him whole, and he gasps. Which is incentive enough to begin to suck him off like he's never been sucked before. Fluctuating at different levels of pressure, I drive Jesse crazy as he tries in vain to guess my next move. I am so taken in by this breathless beauty its overwhelming. My own erection escalates at dizzying speeds and I need to bury myself into Jesse now. And I mean right now.

Just when I think he's about to explode, I withdraw and climb back to swallow his moans, and then flip him onto his stomach.

"Yes! Finally!"

"Burned out huh?"

"Don't know Brennan. Normally you're more eager than this."

Like I said. not said, because I haven't yet. really said it. I. wrote that I... uhh love Jesse. and I love also the back of Jesse's neck. I do. I see it as he lies on his face turned to his right, and I just have to kiss it, and tickle it. Jesse giggles when I do so, and continues to prod me in turn. Breathlessly. "I mean. I always thought you were a aahh no-nonsense, to the. to the point kind of guy?" My hands have already zoned in on his bottom and are kneading the pretty pink cheeks with vigor. I kiss and lave my way down his beautiful back, taking in every inch I can, until I reach the small of his back. Jesse meanwhile is writhing all over the place, getting more and desperate with every little lick.

"Jeez never thought you.. you liked beating round the bush so much. oh Bren. Bren please."

I take some time to worry the cute little furrow marking the beginning of his crack, and meanwhile retrieve the moisturizer gel. Jess is just so tight, I almost don't want to stretch him out. Almost. I lubricate my fingers and insert one into him. Gently. patiently. Jesse is not very appreciative of that right now.

"Fuck, Brennan.. more. more!"

But this is one thing one should really never rush through. I don't want to hurt you Jesse. So I'm going to take my time here. He pushes himself up into the busy finger as I stroke in then out, lubing him up well. Then I add a second finger to the mix, and with a scissoring motion, prepare his narrow opening for my thickness. Jesse is cursing me in gibberish.

"Patience kid."

"I'm sorry about the crack just. Brennan please!"

Oh shite.

I press my length along his and kiss the side of his creased forehead. He is gasping and sweating profusely. I withdraw my fingers, slip to one side and flip him back on his back. He is surprised but I don't let him ponder long as I close my mouth over his hungrily. Then I push his legs apart, take more gel and reinsert my fingers into him. He locks his arms around my chest, daring me to leave him again. I look into his eyes, and he looks into mine.

"This isn't payback Jess. You know the drill, I don't want to hurt you."

"You wont."

"You bet I wont."

I still remember the first time we tried. He was a virgin and I am quite thick and. ahem. long. And despite some lubrication, I hurt him so bad it brought tears to his eyes. First times aren't as wondrous as romance authors would have you believe. It took two weeks for the both of us to agree to give it another shot. I've been extremely meticulous about preparing him since, and do not intend to stop now. Sometimes I wonder if pain is really what Jesse craves, and God I hope not because I can give him everything but that.

I add a third finger, and keep working to stretch him thoroughly despite his grunts. He is softer, so I plunge deeper and tazer his greedy gland. The next grunt catches in his throat as he gasps and is instantly hard again. When I'm satisfied he can take me, I position my hard as rock shaft before his hole and spread his cheeks further apart.

"okay, coming through Jess."

He sticks to gibberish.

With one smooth and hopefully painless stroke, I drive home. Into Jesse. The boy is so hot and snug around me it feels wonderful.

"you okay Jess?"

"yeh. I'm okay."

And he smiles at me. the smile of an angel. And then he nods, which is all the signal I need. We start to move. I stroke in and out of him with a constant rhythm, while he rises and falls to match mine. We are very aware of each other's breathlessness and its hard to figure which sound effect is produced by who. One moment everything's slow motion. the next we're pummeling each other, getting urgent and restless with every passing moment. Jesse grasps at me with all his strength, moans with every stroke in as I massage his prostrate and bites into my shoulder. I am lost in my own fantastical sensations of searing hot and erotic cold. in and out. He clenches and unclenches around me, encouraging me, milking my pained organ. and I so want it to last forever. and ever. but that's not to be.

The dam breaks and I cant hold it anymore. all the hope, and joy, and life, and all the unspoken love in me. I pour out and into Jesse. in the greatest orgasm of my life. He tightens his vice and lets the new sensations sate him and he closes his eyes and buries his face deep into my chest. He moans against me, and jumps.. oh boy.. when I take him in my hand and work him into a lusted frenzy. Soon he is coming too and together we convulse our last and. sorry babe.. cant support my own weight anymore, let alone yours.

Long I was hugg'd close-long and long.

I collapse onto him, and he gathers me to himself, stroking my hair, my back. kissing me softly. I breathe heavily, the perfect scent of Jesse mixed with the sweat and the semen and the electrified night. Jesse is pinned beneath me, which I then realize must be gating him from.. oh.. breathing. I roll to one side and we hold each other, tenderly, firmly. Quietly.

I'm guessing the average couple would choose a moment like this to express their undying love for each other. And why not? The twilight zone. the afterglow. the bridge between vulnerability and strength. the perfect moment. this is it. this is my chance. I love you Jesse. Shouldn't be too hard now should it. Why cant I just say it? What's the worst that could happen anyways? So he might say he needs some time to think about it. Or that he doesn't love me, that I aint the damned One for him. Or that he eventually wants to get married to a woman and have a normal life. Or that he loves someone else. What if he freaks? He might just gross out and push me off the bed. He might leave. And avoid me all day. And all night. We might not even be friends anymore. And it would get so uncomfortable one of us might have to leave MutantX for.. Oh God. Oh God.

"What is it Brennan?"

He'd been resting his head against my chest. I think he does it because my heartbeat soothes him, but right now its spiked and he knows it. Relax sport. You're scaring the kid.. I breathe deeply, willing myself to simmer down. I look down at Jesse, his innocent face. wind my arms around him tightly, silently vowing never to let go. unless he wants to go pee or something. "Nothing. Go to sleep Jess." I kiss the top of his head, brush back a dark blonde fringe from his face and press him into myself. He decides to believe me and settles for the night.

I should sleep too. But mostly I struggle with what I've been struggling with all night. how to put my thoughts into words and. instead of scribbling rants in my journal, how to just. say it out loud. To hell with the what-ifs. Deal with the cordons when they come. Love is. a strong word. not to be used idly, but it's the only word that truly describes what I am feeling. what I have been feeling for Jesse for quite a while now. And I swear if I don't tell him right away I could... I would burst.

Say it. I love you. Tell him you love him. Say. Jesse, I love you. Just say it. Say it.

"I love you"

My heart stopped. That voice. Humbly, Jesse raised his head and looked into my eyes with his own. eyes glistening with something wet, and warm and. lovely. And he'd said,

"I love you Brennan. I cant. I cant keep it inside anymore. I wanted to say it so many times before but. I was afraid. that. that you would."

Oh God.

I put a finger to his soft lips, changed my mind. removed the finger and kissed him instead. Deeply. I could have drowned in the sweetness but there was something I had to do. to say first. "I know what you were afraid of Jess. because I was scared too." Green eyes widened and a huge drop fell from the sea to his cheek. Elegant hands bunched into fists as I took them in mine.

"I love you Jesse."

I love you. I love you! I love you so much!

There, I said it. I had finally said it. Course, my beautiful boy beat me to it. but I said it. And we kissed and we cuddled and we said it over and over... cracking up at how mushy and queer (pun intended) it sounded. only to say it again, and again. Words finally making their utility felt between us.

This is my longest journal entry ever. And something tells me I am not making one of these anytime soon. Jesus he loves me. and he says he'd rather have me talk to him than write in my stupid (sorry) journal. Says he likes listening to me ramble away. Says its like his mother's lullaby. I'll get him for that. Sun's out. I should go wake Jesse up.

And will never be any more perfection than there is now.

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Created on ... April 29, 2003