*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
"Jesse?" the tentative voice slips through the still night air as the
door is cracked open. "Jesse, can I come in?"
"It's your room too," I say dully as I hunch tighter into myself.
There's a pause, then I hear Brennan moving carefully into the room,
padding quietly across the floor towards me.
"You okay?" he asks softly as I shudder, despite the multiple layers of
blankets covering me.
"I've been better," I reply flatly, fighting back the tears that threaten
to leak from my eyes. *I won't, I won't, I won't cry!*
"Do you want me to go?" Brennan asks gently as I burrow deeper into the
covers. "I can go sleep in the-"
"No," I say with a quick shake of me head. "Don't. I want you-want you to
stay. Please? I just-just can't-don't want to-want to talk about-"
"It's okay, Jess," Brennan says softly. "We don't have to talk about it."
"Thanks," I reply numbly as I hear the sounds of him shrugging out of his
clothes, then I feel the brief whisper of cool air as he slips under the
covers next to me. He pauses a few inches away from me, taking in the sight of my
huddled form and the waves of misery cascading off of me.
"Can I hold you?" he asks quietly.
I nod stiffly, unable to talk for fear that if I say anything I'll won't
be able to stop, and I bury myself in his arms, hiding my face in his chest,
trying to hide from the demons reaching for me.
"I'm sorry, Jess," he says simply, wrapping his arms around me and I nod,
still not daring to speak as I huddle closer, trying to lose myself in his
closeness. "I love you, baby. I wish I could make it better," he whispers,
stroking my hair as I start to shake.
"I know," I manage to choke out before burrowing deeper into his arms,
relaxing slightly as I feel the warmth and love radiating from him into my
numbness. "Thanks."
He replies with a soft kiss to the top of my head, and I crumple, sagging
against him as I start to cry, the misery and fury pouring out of me as I
cling to him, stuttering out nonsensical words of frustration and betrayal as my
entire body is wracked with sobs.
All through it, he holds me, stroking my shaking body as he gently wipes
away the tears flowing down my face, murmuring soft words of love and
reassurance as I tremble in misery.
Hours, minutes, eons later, I don't know, my body shudders to an
exhausted stop and I sag against him, completely drained, both physically and
emotionally as I cling weakly to him, the only bit of sanity there seems to be left in
my world.
"Thanks," I manage to croak out through a throat raw from screaming and
sobbing as I burrow deeper into his arms.
"For what?" he asks gently.
"For loving me. For being here for me. For not wanting anything from me
besides me. For being you," I sigh as a feeling of weary peacefulness settles
over me as I hold him tighter. "For just…everything. I love you, Brennan.
Thanks."
"Thank you," he smiles as he holds me closer, burying his face in my
hair. "I love you, Jess. I love you just for who you are. Don't ever forget that.
I always want you to be happy."
"I won't forget," I smile as I feel myself drifting off to sleep. "Never…
."
And I know that, despite everything, I will be.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*